i was here and then i left

Let me try again on this. Am working through Ordo Virtutum by Hildegard, trying to get at the drama of it… the music is so gorgeous; like Noh, close listening changes bone marrow.


Virtue = our capacity to give and desire = our incapacity to have. This is too binary, but it’s not without instruction for me at the end of the day (literally) to think about whether I’ve spent more time in the frustration of not getting, versus the liberty (or even the preferable frustration?) of yielding.


We return to (rehearse) again and again that which you do not understand; it’s the only thing worth living for, given the nature of time. If we’re living, we’re moving into the un-lived – the radical inscrutability. Every moment is an opportunity to make space in ourselves like we’ve never known before. We wait for nothing, pouring ourselves out, through the channels of all the senses.


Love is the free emptying of ourselves into uncertainty, without (or despite) anxiety.


The risk: when we love, love with our full beings – our minds and our bodies, every component of our identity… we can double back and fall in love with the instrument of our love more than its object – we are so grateful to our identities for the love they lead us to, that we love our identities most of all. Desire is love falling in love with loving? Or – sentimental virtue.

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